Global warming protest

Youth vs. experience

An elderly man in Northern Mississippi had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: There's no substitute for experience.

Heavenly Reward

After his death, Osama bin Laden didn't go to heaven, but to a holding area.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the gut and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you that if you followed through with your plans there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

Things my mother taught me

1. RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
2. TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
3. LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
4. MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
6. THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
7. CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
8. STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
9. WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
10. HYPOCRISY. "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
11. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
12. BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
13. ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
14. ESP. "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"
15. HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
16. GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
17. MY ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
18. JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Better make it a double

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"

Where Obama gets his supporters

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, each kid raised his hand except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican, and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron, and if your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

At least he'll be remembered

Joe's Last Will and Testament provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen, "Thirty-thousand dollars."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

Answer to a prayer

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

A big loss for the Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Scientific product labeling

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area.  This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century atomic physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of EVERY product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenberg was never quite sure that his principle was correct).

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process know as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe.  Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately led to the heat death of the universe.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed. The user is advised to use caution.

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999% Empty space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state. 

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) Comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, as its mass, and thus its weight, are dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space.  Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

The Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians: It creates a hostile work environment.

Los Angeles Math Test

NAME____________________

GANG____________________

1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 60-round clip. He usually misses six of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shootin. How many drive-by shootins can Ramon hit before he reloads?
   
2. Leroy has two ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and two grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?
   
3. Dwayne pimps three hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?
   
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20 percent profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20 percent upside?
   
5. Desmond get $2,000 for a stolen BMW, $1,500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1,000 for a 4×4. If he steals one BMW, two Corvettes, and three 4×4s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have 9,000 bills?
   
6. Pedro got six years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
   
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is three square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 ounce cans of spray paint with 20 percent paint left over?
   
8. Tyrone knocked up four girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?
   
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a boa constrictor that eats five rats per week and the cost be $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?
   
10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
    

The Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a bunch of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

The Traditional Version

Once upon a time, there was an ant who worked hard in the withering heat all summer long as it built its house and stored up its food supply for the winter. Then, there was this grasshopper who thought the ant was a fool for working so hard, and the grasshopper went his happy-go-lucky way just laughing, dancing, hopping, and playing the summer away.

Come winter, the ant was warm in its house and had plenty of food to eat. On the other hand, the grasshopper had neither food nor shelter, and it died out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself.

The Modern Version

Once upon a time, there was an ant who worked hard in the withering heat all summer long as it built its house and stored up its food supply for the winter. Then, there was this grasshopper who thought the ant was a fool for working so hard, and the grasshopper went his happy-go-lucky way just laughing, dancing, hopping, and playing the summer away.

Come winter, the ant was warm in its house and had plenty of food to eat. On the other hand, the grasshopper, who was shivering in the cold, called the local TV station. When the politically-correct social activists and the ACLU got wind of the grasshopper's plight, a press conference was immediately called, and the grasshopper along with its sympathizers demanded to know why the ant should be warm and well-fed while others (like the grasshopper) were homeless and starving in the cold.

ABC, CBS, CNN, and NBC showed up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home and table filled with food. The New York Times and the Washington Post also had lengthy write-up against the ant's good life versus the grasshopper's misfortune. America was stunned by the sharp contrast! How can it be that in a wealthy country, the poor grasshopper was allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appeared on the Oprah WInfrey Show with the grasshopper, and everybody cried while singing "It's Not Easy To Be Green".

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton staged a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news media filmed the group singing "We Shall Overcome". Jackson and Sharpton then led the demonstrators in prayer as they knelt down to pray for the poor grasshopper's sake.

John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid vehemently claimed in an interview with Larry King that the ant got rich off the back of the poor grasshopper, and the three all called for an immediate tax hike on all who live comfortably like the ant to make them pay their "fair share".

Hillary Clinton got her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a discrimination suit against the ant. After a trial before a federal judge bribed by the ACLU and a jury composed mainly of welfare recipients, the ant lost the case.

According to the provisions of the Economic Equality and Anti-Grasshopper Discrimination Act, the ant was fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs. The ant was also fined for delinquent taxes retroactive to the previous summer. Having nothing left to pay for the court costs and exorbitant retroactive taxes, the ant's home was confiscated by the government.

As the ant disappeared in the snow, the grasshopper could be seen finishing the last bit of the ant's food while the government house that the grasshopper was given (which was, in fact, the ant's house) crumbled in disrepair because the grasshopper didn't do anything to maintain it.

Finally, the story ended as the grasshopper was found dead in a drug-related accident, and the house, which had been abandoned, was taken over by a gang of spiders, who terrorized the formerly peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be very careful how you vote!

Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And they tracked her calves to their stalls. Somehow, though, they are unable to locate 20 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Keep those prices down!

1,330,044,544 Chinese walk into a bar, and each orders a gin and tonic. The bartender serves them, and charges them $14 apiece.

After collecting the money, the bartender says to one of them, "We don't see many Chinese around here."

The customer replies, "At these prices, you won't see many more."

The Quotable Marion Barry

Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry:

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

What fish?

A game warden in Central Mississippi recently stopped a redneck who was leaving a well-known fishing cove carrying a ice chest full of fish.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. But, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

The game warden says, "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya, if ya want."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The two walked back to the cove and the redneck poured the fish into the water.

After several minutes standing there waiting, the warden said, "Well?"

"'Well' what?" responded the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish!" demanded the warden.

"What fish?" asked the redneck.

How many zeros in a billion?

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual manner, think about whether you want politicians spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

• A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
• A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
• A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
• A billion days ago nothing walked the earth on two feet.
• A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at the situation in New Orleans. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 billion dollars to rebuild New Orleans.

What does that mean?

If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans, you get $516,528.

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

This is YOUR money, not the government's! They got it through:

• Accounts Receivable Tax
• Building Permit Tax
• CDL License Tax
• Cigarette Tax
• Corporate Income Tax
• Dog License Tax
• Federal Income Tax
• Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
• Fishing License Tax
• Food License Tax
• Fuel Permit Tax
• Gasoline Tax
• Hunting License Tax
• Inheritance Tax
• Inventory Tax
• IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
• IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
• Liquor Tax
• Luxury Tax
• Marriage License Tax
• Medicare Tax
• Property Tax
• Real Estate Tax
• Service charge taxes
• Social Security Tax
• Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
• Sales Taxes
• Recreational Vehicle Tax
• School Tax
• State Income Tax
• State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
• Telephone Federal Excise Tax
• Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
• Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
• Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
• Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
• Telephone State and Local Tax
• Telephone Usage Charge Tax
• Utility Tax
• Vehicle License Registration Tax
• Vehicle Sales Tax
• Watercraft Registration Tax
• Well Permit Tax
• Workers Compensation Tax

(And don't forget inflation: The hidden tax.)

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, we had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

One good nap deserves another

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner, and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside, resumed his spot in the hall, and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

U.S. Tax system explained in terms of beer, to make it more manageable

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid the bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Because you are such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay the bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men -- the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?"

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money among them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Ask Carnac the Magnificent

A: Midrash

Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip

Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke

Q: What is a kheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer

Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Babylon

Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision

Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

Great expectations

What I Want In A Man, Original List .. (at age 22)

1. Handsome
   
2. Charming
   
3. Financially Successful
   
4. A Caring Listener
   
5. Witty
   
6. In Good Shape
   
7. Dresses with Style
   
8. Appreciates the Finer Things in life
   
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
   
10. An Imaginative and Romantic Lover
    

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
   
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
   
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
   
4. Listens more than he talks
   
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
   
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
   
7. Owns at least one tie
   
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
   
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
   
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
    

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
   
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
   
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
   
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
   
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
   
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
   
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
   
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
   
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
   
10. Shaves on weekends
    

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps nose and ear hair trimmed to appropriate length
   
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
   
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
   
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emotional
   
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
   
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
   
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
   
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
   
9. Remembers my name
   
10. Shaves sometimes
    

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
   
2. Remembers where bathroom is
   
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
   
4. Only snores lightly when awake
   
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing too often
   
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
   
7. Usually wears some clothes
   
8. Likes soft foods
   
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
   
10. Remembers when ...
    

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing
   

Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk, then you'll have to flash the BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM, just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!

Leaks in the gene pool

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

Be careful setting your goals

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Don't ask, don't tell

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

Find out about the co-pay first

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Great news?

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs: "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack: Beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter ... just get out!"

Coming soon to a garage near you