Bar stool wisdom

$50 For the Homeless

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow ... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Teaching math through the years

Teaching Math In 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's OK.)

Teaching Math In 2009: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Unfortunately, the truth is much worse

One sunny morning, an old man approached the White house from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he had been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "okay," and walked off.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine. "I would like to go in the White house and meet President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said , "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton.

I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer ..."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow ..."

That's not what I said!

"Wait a minute, now. I didn't authorize ATTACKS on the pirates, I authorized A TAX on the pirates."

Definition: Obamanation

Obamanation (noun; adj.) Oh-bomb-a-na-tion : A COLLECTION OF catastrophic POLICY BLUNDERS,  ADMINISTERED BY grossly UNQUALIFIED, ETHICLY CHALLENGED, LIBERAL IDEALOGUES, HELL BENT ON DESTROYING: FREE ENTERPRISE; SMALL BUSINESSES; FREE SPEECH; GUN OWNERSHIP; right to life; National defense; personal wealth; Judeo-Christian ideals..and anything else the hicks in "Fly-over land" cling to, for a start in the first year of 'his coming'.

The Plan

1. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
2. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
3. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
4. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

The opposite of progress

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

New gun just for Democrats

Failing economics

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

Judging a chili cook-off

Recently, I was visiting Texas, and heard about a chili cook-off at the San Antonio City Park, which was nearby where I was staying. I happened to be standing at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when one of the original judges called in sick at the last moment. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. This was my first experience judging a chili cook-off.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (me) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No Report

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded yes, so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.

He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of beer?"

He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

What have we done?

Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

"You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

"You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid 20s and has a rather strong sex drive.

"A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc., located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

Observations on America

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world, and with more diets to keep us from eating it.

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 80 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town.... where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we're out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still deliver payrolls in armored cars.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world ....and still have more divorces.

We applaud our free press even when they convict innocent people in print.

Our laws are like a spider's web, designed to catch the common fly ... but seldom holds the hornet.

How many in a Brazilian?

The Department of Defense briefed Resident Obama this morning telling him that two Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Afganistan. To everyone's surprise all the color drained from his face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally he composed himself and asked, "Just how many is a Brazilian?"

This is not surprising, as he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

Insider trading information

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. 

But -- if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It's called The 401-Keg.

Will I live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned 49.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I"m not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not very often. My former doctor said that red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun: Playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and asked, "Then, why do you even care?