R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Shouldn't have asked

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

School 1958 vs. School 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1958 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car, and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2008 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail, and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

---

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2008 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives, and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

---

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1958 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

---

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

---

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1958 - Mark shares aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

---

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. U.S. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

---

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up an anthill.

1958 - Ants die.

2008 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

---

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1958 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Who is the better friend?

This will dispel all rumors ...

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you.

A good pun is it's own re-word

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Without geometry, life is pointless.
• Pasteurize: Too far to see.
• Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
• Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
• Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
• If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
• Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.
• A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative.
• Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Overcoming black magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The neighbors feared the man the most. He was constantly heard stating, "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and for strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man who practiced black magic stated that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life."

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

Male friendships are better

Friendship between women: A woman doesn't go home one night. The next morning she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn't go home one night. The next morning he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of whom confirm that he had slept over, with 2 saying that he was still there.

Did he forget or just not give a darn?

Rick forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds.

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

The best cookie recipe

1 cup of water

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp. salt

1 cup of brown sugar

lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle José Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor ... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit get stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Sheck the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

You can't take it with you

A old man could feel he was going to die soon and, although he had been financially successful beyond his wildest dreams, he hated everyone, including others of his own family.

He called his wife in and told her, "When I die, you must promise me something. I never liked any of you, so you're not getting my money. I want you to bury all my money in my casket with me."

His wife was taken aback, but she agreed.

Sure enough, the old man died. After the funeral, the kids gathered around mom. "Mom, did you do what dad asked you to do?"

Mom nodded solemnly. "Yes, I did. But there was so much money, it wouldn't fit into the casket. So I wrote him a check."

A fantasy fulfilled

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I'm on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Don't try to test God

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually come to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid things. So, He sent me."

Cowboys and Muslims

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

And don't ever scorn her

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy.

"She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

The Idiot Report

The following are from a January 5 column by John Krueger, Editor of the Light and Champion newspaper in Center, Texas.

I know we've all done stupid things in our lives—me included—but I think if we can look back at them later and either learn from them or laugh at them, they are not done in vain. Here are a few "stories" that I've picked up here and there from 2006. I hope they make you feel smarter because you know someone else has done stupid things, and make you laugh because life is too short to take serious all the time. I call it…the Idiot Report. — John Krueger

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

It's the thought that counts

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh ... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So ... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14 minutes, 58 seconds north latitude and 100 degrees, 49 minutes, 5 seconds west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me may be technically correct, but practically speaking, it's useless because I have no idea what you're talking about, and I'm still lost. You're no help whatsoever."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Plan of action

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Guess Who I Am?

• I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.
• I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. My mother died at an early age from cancer.
• Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
• My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
• I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
• I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
• That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.
• I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
• I became active in local politics in my 30s then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.
• I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
• I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.
• At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy ... I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
• But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I announced that I had a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.
• I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks, and corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
• I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.
• I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.
• I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope,' together we could change our country and the world.
• So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known and I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
• I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with.
• I'm glad they didn't. Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?

Answer: ADOLF HITLER

(Who did YOU think it was?)

Da soop kichen

Recently Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a government funded soup kitchen.

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter: $0.00 dollars

Having Michelle Obama Serve you your soup: $0.00 dollars

A picture of a homeless person receiving a free, government-funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 Blackberry cell phone: $$$$ Priceless

Comparing our deities

Q: What do Barack Obama and God have in common?

A: Neither has a birth certificate.

Q: What's the biggest difference between Obama and God?

A: God doesn't think he's Obama.

Toddler property laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

(This goes out to Malcolm Smith and the Democrat Party in the New York state senate.)

Don't drink and drive

There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger man screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT IS IT?" in stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Quotidian haiku

Hey! Get back indoors.

Whatever you were doing

Could put an eye out.

A lovely nose ring --

excuse me while I put my

head in the oven.

Hidden connection --

starvation in Africa,

food left on my plate.

How soft the petals

of the floral arrangement

I have just stolen.

My nature journal --

today, I saw some trees and birds.

I should know the names?

Add cholesterol

then overcook and serve with bread:

recipe revealed.

Like a bonsai tree,

your terrible posture at

my dinner table.

Coroner's report --

"The deceased, wearing no hat,

caught his death of cold."

Lonely mantra of

the Buddhist monk: "They never

call, they never write."

The sparkling blue sea

beckons me to wait one hour

after my sandwich.

Concert of car horns

as we debate the question

of when to change lanes.

Is one Nobel Prize

too much to ask from a child

after all I've done?

Sorry I'm not home

to take your call. At the tone

please state your bad news.

Computer terminology

486 -- The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art -- Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete -- Any computer you own.

Microsecond -- The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 -- Apple's new Macs that makes you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error -- Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive -- The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI ("gooey") -- What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Keyboard -- The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse -- An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy -- The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer -- A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

'Big O' stamp

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Resident Obama. There was one problem, though: The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Obama, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in studies, a Congressional panel presented its findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

ID, please

A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.

Lady: "Wait! That picture in the ID doesn't look like him at all!"

I look at the ID. It appears he's been sick since the photo was taken, but it's clearly the same guy.

Me: "Well, ma'am, I'm fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you'd just step up -–"

Lady: "No! You can't sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God's sake! You should call the police!"

Me: "Ma'am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I -–"

Lady: "I need to talk to your manager!"

I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.

Man: "Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?"

He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.

Lady: "Well ... um ... yes, that's, uh, fine!"

She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, "I'll be right back!" She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.

Me: "What was that you showed her?"

Man: "Oh, my handgun permit."

Don't think that ...

... Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

The wisdom of experience

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

• I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
  
• My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
  
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  
• If all is not lost, where is it?
  
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  
• Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  
• I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...
  
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  
• Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
  
• It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
  
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen

Powers of observation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night 

and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."