Gnome Sayings

Travels

2011-12-12T08:09:00.001-08:00

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you
can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends
and those where I have worked.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit
there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the
stimuli I can get. Now if I can just avoid getting in Continent.

Doctor's office

2011-12-05T05:53:00.001-08:00

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Scam Alert

2011-04-04T05:33:00.003-07:00

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,

Charlie Sheen

A surprising child custody decision

2010-11-12T06:16:00.001-08:00

Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree reasonably possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys professional football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Why I'm Depressed

2010-11-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. ... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. They connected me to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was depressed and felt suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!

Better than a Flu Shot!

2010-11-10T06:18:00.000-08:00

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice,' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this,' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said, to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?'

Unconventional wisdom

2010-11-09T06:44:00.001-08:00

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot: He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where atrain stops. That's why I call my desk a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist: He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to take a hike in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt ... plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that moves twice as fast when you are running after it
than it does when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Your house ...

2010-11-08T06:46:00.000-08:00

... as seen by you.

... as seen by a prospective buyer.

... as seen by your lender.

... as seen by your appraiser.

... as seen by the tax assessor.

Thoughts on voting

2010-11-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half."
Gore Vidal

"The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting."
Charles Bukowski

"A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the character of the user."
Theodore Roosevelt

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."
Emma Goldman

"I have never voted in my life ... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win."
Louis-Ferdinand Celine

"Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the vote decide everything."
Joseph Stalin

"Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote."
George Jean Nathan

"Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost."
John Quincy Adams

"All we have to do is get out and vote, while it's still legal, and we will wash those crooked warmongers out of the White House."
Hunter S. Thompson

"Thinking is not to agree or disagree. That's voting."
Robert Frost

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."
Winston Churchill

"Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'"
Isaac Asimov

"In politics we presume that everyone who knows how to get votes knows how to administer a city or a state. When we are ill ... we do not ask for the handsomest physician, or the most eloquent one."
Plato

"In reality, there is no such thing as not voting: you either vote by voting, or you vote by staying home and tacitly doubling the value of some Diehard's vote."
David Foster Wallace

Wit and wisdom of Bob Hope

2010-11-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100

'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, "Passover".'

ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."'

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

Details about Obama's openly gay military

2010-11-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (SR) -- President Barack Obama has directed the Pentagon to replace the "don't ask, don't tell" policy with one that will allow openly gay men and women to serve in the military.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, will present details of the plan to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday.

According to sources inside the Pentagon, changes to be implemented include adding choreography to marching regimens, equipping all dorms with double-wide bunks, new fitted uniforms in seasonal color palettes, the installation of hot tubs, a nd more.

In a potentially controversial move, the Pentagon will announce the formation of a new all-gay, all male company named the "Fighting 69th Sodomites." Sources credit the creation of the 69th to House member Barney Frank, who has reportedly been working "very, very closely" with gay Pentagon officials.

THEIR MOTTO IS: NEVER LEAVE YOUR BUDDY'S BEHIND!

The awful truth about beer

2010-11-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would normally not be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

That's one question too many

2010-11-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

A young Arab asks his father:

"What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"

"It's a 'chechia' because it protects our heads from the sun in the sweltering heat of the desert!"

"And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"

"It's a 'djbellah' because it protects your body from the soaring temperatures of the desert!"

"And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"

"These are 'babouches', which keep us from burning our feet when crossing the hot, blistering sands of the desert!"

"Tell me, papa ..."

"Yes, my son?"

"You know there's no desert here in Dearborn, Michigan, right?"

Something to offend everyone

2010-11-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas, and a jumbo sausage. A homeless man sitting there said, 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power'

Top tip: If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation for casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'don't worry fatty, you can lose it if you really try.'

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me, could I ask your opinion? Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But now that all the doctors are Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I failed my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

Venison vs. Beef: The controversy ends

2010-11-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

From the U.S. Venison Council

Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say venison is tough, with a strong "wild" taste. Others insist venison's flavor is delicate. An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for all.

First, a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs, and through mud and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for a day.

It was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled around on the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but most of the time were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.

Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.

The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where a half dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives. The result was 375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half thick on the other edge.

The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added, along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for two hours.

The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every member of the panel thought it was venison. One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like the venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.

The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there is no difference between the taste of beef and venison.

A moment of silence ...

2010-10-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."

-- U.S. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.)

Interesting piece of Arabic history

2010-10-17T06:48:00.001-07:00

During the 7th century, right around 610 A.D.,while Europe struggled with the fall of the Roman Empire, Muhammad the goat herder adopted the practice of meditating alone for several weeks every year in a cave on Mount Hira near Mecca. Islamic tradition holds that during one of his visits to Mount Hira, being absent from advancing Arabic society, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

27 reasons you should support illegal immigration

2010-10-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

America's emergency rooms and health care system are not crowded enough.
The U.S. needs more organized, violent gangs. Currently the U.S. has Salvadoran gangs; Vietnamese gangs, Filipino gangs, Armenian gangs, Russian gangs, Chinese gangs; Cambodian gangs; Bulgarian gangs, Dominican gangs, Mexican gangs, Haitian gangs. Continuing unrestricted immigration will increase this "diversity."
The U.S. carbon footprint is not large enough. Millions more immigrants will swell the population to enlarge the country's carbon footprint.
U.S. highways are not crowded enough. More traffic is needed.
The percentage of U.S. land that is not yet paved over and developed is far too small.
Prior to the days of unrestricted immigration the U.S. lacked a sufficient "diversity" of serious diseases. Unrestricted and illegal immigration has remedied that situation by reintroducing diseases formerly wiped out in the US and introducing new ones never before seen here: Leprosy, dengue fever, West Nile virus, treatment resistant TB, polio,
The U.S. needs more 9/11 style attacks. The 9/11 mass murderers were able to hide in plain sight among millions of other illegal aliens. In order to help future terrorists we must maintain a massive population of illegals.
There is insufficient racial, ethnic, religious strife in the U.S. Immigration will provide a welcome increase.
The U.S. does not have enough front groups for Hamas, Hezbollah and other Islamic terrorist organizations. Continued unrestricted immigration will enlarge the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) and groups like it to rectify this lack.
The demonstrated propensity of Latin-American illegal aliens to drive while drunk will provide the needed increase in DUI's and additional deaths of innocent people.
The ACLU favors illegal immigration.
The Sierra Club favors illegal immigration.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the church to which he belongs (United Church of Christ) favor illegal immigration.
The Communist Party and other extreme left wing groups support illegal immigration.
Americans who have lived all their lives in the US currently have far too much medical care available to them and their quality of life must be reduced. That reduction can most easily be achieved by legalizing 20 to 30 million illegal aliens so they are eligible for the "free" benefits" of Obama's scheme. See reason 17
America's schools are not crowded enough.
Only fifty-five languages are spoken the Los Angeles public school system. The cost and confusion created by this diversity has lowered quality a great deal, but it is possible to do worse.
With millions more poor illegals there will be a greater need for social workers, welfare workers, public school teachers and aides, more school lunch programs, more prisons, more police, more government workers of every kind. This will enlarge the number of voters reliant on the government for paychecks and will swell the membership rolls of the National Education Association, AFSCME, SEIU and other Democrat organizations.
The Democrat Party needs more voters.
The U.S. needs more socialism/Marxism. Adding tens of millions of poor immigrants demanding taxpayer-paid services guarantees the continued descent into loss of individual liberty.
A larger population will make us even more dependent on foreign oil.
There is not enough urban sprawl in the U.S.
The Catholic Church's membership is increased by unrestricted immigration.
Not enough of Arizona's citizens have been murdered.
Tyson Foods needs more illegal alien employees.
George Soros, a Nazi collaborator in World War 2 needs more lawbreakers in the U.S. who are beholden to his many open borders front groups.
Illegal alien gangs have not yet murdered enough African-Americans in Southern California. This process of ethnic cleansing is best accomplished by unrestricted immigration.

Observation by Larry the Cable Guy

2010-10-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

"Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius."

To pee or not to pee

2010-10-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test (with which I have no problem).

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

So, here is my question: Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT -- doing drugs while I work.

Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

I guess we could call the program "URINE OR YOU'RE OUT"!

Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though. Something has to change in this country -- AND SOON!

P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!

Deadly disease: Gonorrhea Lectim

2010-10-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia, New Jersey, Utah, West Virginia, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please, pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

Marijuana-filled firewood

2010-10-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, wedges and chainsaws, they cut and split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

The farmer and the old lady

2010-09-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem -- how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl to her destination.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Apple does it again!

2010-09-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoobie will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Vonn to lose gold medal

2010-09-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to Barack Obama.

Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

Gentle Thoughts for Today

2010-09-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Birds of a feather flock together ... and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs ...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Fight organized crime: Re-elect no one

2010-09-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Confessional Cuties

2010-09-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Trading places

2010-09-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room,spiritual counseling, pool, and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room, and pay $5,000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all.

Drinking with an Arizona Girl

2010-09-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer ('cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Arizona.

From Moses to Obama

2010-09-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc ... so I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Door stop

2010-09-22T05:57:00.001-07:00

How do I fix this relationship?

2010-09-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

Ralph, My neighbor is a "lefty" of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, "guns should be banned", etc.). So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn't up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign. Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint "downtown" first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to "remove the sign in seven days."

After several weeks he was informed that the sign was legal (by a quarter of an inch) and there was nothing the city could do, which obviously made him madder. I tried to smooth things over by inviting him to go shooting with me and my friends at the hunt club but that seemed to make him even more angry. I then asked him if he wanted to go to a Tea Party rally but again he declined my outreach efforts to bring about a better understanding between political and social opponents.

I am at a loss how to reconcile our long relationship (notice I did not say friendship), any suggestions would be welcome.

NBA or NFL?

2010-09-20T07:09:00.000-07:00

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 -- repeat 71 -- cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? Is it the NBA or NFL?

Neither, it’s the 535 members of the United States Congress, the same group of criminals that crank out hundreds of new laws each year for the rest of us.

Interesting trivia

2010-09-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know if these are true or not, but they are thought-provoking.

*******

In George Washington's time, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

*******
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*******

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*******

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

*******

Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' ... Wore a tightly tied lace.

*******

Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

*******

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

*******

At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term minding your 'P's and 'Q's

*******

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem ... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you.)

Finally ... a keyboard just for guys!

2010-09-04T07:27:00.001-07:00

Thank you, America!

2010-09-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much, America,

For only the second time in my adult life, I am not ashamed of my country. I want to thank the hard working American people for paying $242,000.00 dollars plus additional expenses for my vacation in Spain.

My daughter Sasha, several long-time family friends, my personal staff, and various guests had a wonderful time. Honestly, you just haven't lived until you have stayed in a $2,500.00 per night suite at a 5-Star luxury hotel. Thanks to you, we booked 70 rooms for our friends, staff, and family.

Thank you also for the use of Air Force 2 and the 70 Secret Service personnel who tagged along to be sure we were safe and cared for at all times.

Air Force 2 only used 47,500 gallons of jet fuel for this trip and carbon emissions were a mere 1,031 tons of CO2. It costs only $11,500 per hour to operate Air Force 2 and each additional plane for the other members of our party group. These are only rough estimates, but they are close (who's counting?). That's quite a carbon footprint, as my good friend Al Gore would say, so we must ask the American citizens to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and drive less too, so we can lessen our combined carbon footprint.

I know times are hard and millions of you are struggling to put food on the table and trying to make ends meet. I do appreciate your sacrifice and do hope you find work soon. I was really exhausted after Barack took our family on a luxury vacation in Maine a few weeks ago. I just had to get away for a few days. Will write more from Martha's Vineyard where we will spend our sixth vacation this year with more of our family and friends.

Cordially,

Michele Obama

P.S. You wouldn't believe how good the lobster is this year. I just can't seem to eat enough of it!

Hollywood Squares humor

2010-08-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Signs, signs, signs, everywhere you see signs

2010-08-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Store: "Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign at a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution: This Truck is full of Political Promises."

You May Be A Taliban If --

2010-08-23T09:49:00.001-07:00

You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to liquor.
You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
You think vests come in two styles -- bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You've always had the "hots" for your neighbor's goat.
Your cousin is president of the United States.

-- Jeff Foxworthy

The Wit and Wisdom of Little Larry

2010-08-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter," asked Larry "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Contents of a can of Whoop-Ass

2010-08-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

Recession-proof business

2010-08-20T15:20:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine has just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like Muslim prayer mats. It's doing quite well, he says. Prophets are going through the roof.

Top 10 Country & Western song titles

2010-08-19T18:23:00.000-07:00

These are some of the great toe tappers and can't-get-that-song-out-of-my-mind hits from country.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the number one Country & Western song is ...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

We reserve the right to refuse service

2010-08-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

Radio station America FM was doing one of its 'Is Anyone Listening?' bits this morning. The first question was, 'Ever have a celebrity come up with the 'Do you know who I am?' routine?'

A woman called in and said that a few years a go, while visiting her cattle rancher uncle in Billings, MT, she had occasion to go to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes; many ranchers and their wives were waiting.

Ted Turner and his ex-wife Jane Fonda came in the restaurant and wanted a table. The hostess informed them that they'd have to wait 45 minutes.

Jane Fonda asked the hostess, 'Do you know who I am?' The hostess answered, 'Yes, but you'll have to wait 45 minutes.'

Then Jane asked if the manager was in. When the manager came out, he asked, 'May I help you?' 'Do you know who we are?' both Ted and Jane asked. Yes, but these folks have been waiting, and I can't put you ahead of them.'

Then Ted asked to speak to the owner. The owner came out, and Jane again asked, 'Do you know who I am?' The owner answered, 'Yes, I do. Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this restaurant and I am a Vietnam Veteran. Not only will you not get a table ahead of my friends and neighbors who have been waiting here, but you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any other night. Good bye.'

Only in America, is this a great country or what?

This is a true story and the name of the steak house is:

Sir Scott's Oasis Steakhouse
204 W. Main
Manhattan, MT 59741
406-284-6929

If you ever get there, give this fellow a sharp salute, buy a steak, and tip the waitress.

Marriage counseling, Southern style

2010-08-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife -- she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “Better think it over: Women like that are hard to find."

Walmart vs. The 'Morons'

2010-08-16T18:32:00.000-07:00

Americans spend $36,000,000 at Walmart Every hour of every day.
This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
Walmart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
Walmart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
Walmart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.
Walmart is the largest company in the history of the world.
Walmart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.
During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
Walmart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
Walmart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.
This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Walmart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Walmart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Walmart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,

It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.
Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.
War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.
The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars.

If you care at all about this country, turn it over to the guys who are running Walmart!

Looks as though prayer is back in my life

2010-08-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

I was in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of me had a bumper sticker on it that read:

"Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8"

When I got home, I looked up that Bible passage. It read:

Psalm 109:8 -- "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward to replace him."

Let us all bow our heads and pray.

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

2010-08-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

From historic Democrats:

"One man with courage makes a majority." -- Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." -- Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." -- John F. Kennedy

And, from today's geniuses:

"It depends what your definition of 'sex' is." -- Bill Clinton
"That Obama ... I would like to cut his nuts off." -- Jesse Jackson
"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage." -- John Edwards
"I invented the Internet." -- Al Gore
"The next person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their a**." -- Joe Biden
"America is ... is no longer, uh, what it ... it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was ... uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children'." -- Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." -- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." -- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." -- Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." -- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother Moron":

"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." -- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)

Nancy Pelosi the saint

2010-07-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present. The Cardinal went on to explain, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she flip-flops on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, a scum and a nitwit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, a puke, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Obama and Joe Biden, Senators Harry Reid, John Kerry, Patrick Leahy, Chris Dodd, and Representatives Henry Waxman and Barney Fag, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint!

Objection from a formerly drunken sailor

2010-04-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

Drummers

2010-04-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

A jazz trio is playing a gig at an upscale nightclub. They play a classic bebop tune at a fleet tempo with grace and ease. Then comes a Wayne Shorter composition filled with mysterious harmonies, poignant melodies and daring improvisations. Next they present a medley of lesser known Harold Arlen songs that only a connoisseur would recognize, again played with elegant styling and exquisite taste.

The whole evening has been one dazzling performance after another. Though the trio is playing background music and not a formal concert, the audience can sense that the musical display they are witnessing is of such a high caliber that the musicians should be allowed to perform as they please without interference.

Then a well-dressed middle-aged man approaches the bandstand and asks the pianist, "Can you play Laura's Theme from Dr. Zhivago?" The pianist tells the man that they are jazz musicians and that they usually don't take requests of that sort. The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out three one hundred dollar bills which he lays out on the piano. The pianist looks at the bass player and drummer and says "Lara's Theme in G." They play the tune in the fashion of the original version, the pianist emulating the Balalaika textures with a delicate upper register tremolo. The song obviously does not present the same level of difficulty that the trio is accustomed to dealing with.

As the pianist plays, he absent-mindedly gazes at the soundboard of his ebony Steinway B and wonders about the grain in the wood. "How would the tonal characteristics be altered if the grain of the soundboard ran perpendicular to the strings rather than parallel," he silently asks himself.

The bass player amuses himself with an assortment of well-placed double-stops and harmonics. He daydreams as he looks at the top of his mid-nineteenth century double bass made by French master, Paul Claudot, and wonders "How many times has the top been varnished? How did the varnish of past years differ from today's? How would the resonance properties be affected if there were no varnish at all?"

The drummer gazes down onto the single ply, medium weight head of his 1950s vintage black oyster pearl snare drum and thinks to himself "One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three."

My great, great, great-grandfather invented in-flight movies

2010-03-31T05:36:00.000-07:00

Whatever the cost, it's worth it

2010-03-30T05:35:00.000-07:00

Making the most of retirement

2010-03-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care: We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Don't forget the 'diversity'

2010-03-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

And a child shall lead them

2010-03-27T05:30:00.000-07:00

The miracle of burning the Bush

2010-03-26T05:29:00.000-07:00

99 Red Balloons

2010-03-25T05:28:00.000-07:00

Try 'Brazilian'

2010-03-24T05:27:00.000-07:00

Presidential humor

2010-03-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. -- Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -- Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -- O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. -- Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The
other is for housing prisoners. -- Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America! -- Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. -- Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -- Letterman

Strange bed-fellows

2010-03-22T05:17:00.000-07:00

They don't even give good talking head.

Hope it doesn't change any further

2010-03-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

The perks of aging

2010-03-20T05:13:00.000-07:00

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
People call at 9 P.M. and ask, did I wake you?
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat supper at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.

Procrastinatton

2010-03-19T05:12:00.000-07:00

At least he's leading by example

2010-03-18T05:11:00.000-07:00

What a track record

2010-03-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

How to save the airline industry

2010-03-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, the y don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary , thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have the m kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Chicago-style community organizing

2010-03-15T05:07:00.000-07:00

Guns vs. Doctors

2010-03-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician are 0.171. (US Dept. of Health and Human Services)

Then - think about this:

The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Not Everyone Has A Gun, But Almost Everyone Has At Least One Doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

(In-) Action Figure

2010-03-13T05:02:00.000-08:00

Who knew?

2010-03-12T05:01:00.000-08:00

The hot-air hoax

2010-03-11T05:01:00.000-08:00

The new Pledge of Allegiance?

2010-03-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

That'll be on Fox News

2010-03-09T04:59:00.000-08:00

Then and now

2010-03-08T04:58:00.000-08:00

Mao-maoing

2010-03-07T04:57:00.000-08:00

Hate that Walmart dress code

2010-03-06T04:55:00.000-08:00

Permanent solution

2010-03-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

Desperately seeking Grady

2010-03-04T04:52:00.000-08:00

Time machine mercenary wanted

2010-03-03T04:51:00.000-08:00

Used to be new

2010-03-02T04:50:00.000-08:00

Marco! Polo!

2010-03-01T04:49:00.000-08:00

He'll understand when he gets older

2010-02-28T05:48:00.000-08:00

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer."

Points for politeness

2010-02-27T05:46:00.000-08:00

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"

Looking toward the future

2010-02-26T05:46:00.000-08:00

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

Isn't there a class for that?

2010-02-25T05:45:00.000-08:00

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

It's better than being carried everywhere

2010-02-24T05:44:00.000-08:00

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."

Regrets

2010-02-23T17:32:00.000-08:00

I've spent 90% of my life and money in the pursuit of cold beer, hot women, and fast cars. The rest I wasted.

Prioritizing

2010-02-22T05:39:00.000-08:00

Winston Bennett on his health

2010-02-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Tough duck

2010-02-20T05:36:00.000-08:00

Brooke Shields on smoking

2010-02-19T05:33:00.000-08:00

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Suspicious character

2010-02-18T05:32:00.000-08:00

Mariah Carey on extreme dieting

2010-02-17T05:31:00.000-08:00

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Fleeing turtle

2010-02-16T05:28:00.000-08:00

Truly remarkable

2010-02-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

I think it is remarkable that within a week of Tiger Woods crashing his escalade, the press found every woman with whom Tiger has had an affair in the last few years, with photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc.

And, they not only know the cause of the fight, but they even know it was a wedge from his golf bag that his wife used to break out the windows in the Escalade. Not only that, they know which wedge!

And each and every day, they give America more updates on his sex-rehab stay, his wife's plans for divorce, and his plans to return to the pro-golf circuit.

Obama has been in office for over a year now, and this same press still cannot locate Obama's official birth certificate, or any of his papers while in college, or how he paid for a Harvard education, or which country issued his visa to travel to Pakistan in the 1980's as Barry Soetoro, or even Michelle Obama's Princeton thesis on racism. It just can't be found.

Yet the public still trusts that same press?

God vs. monkeys

2010-02-14T05:23:00.000-08:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Frank Feldman

2010-02-13T05:22:00.000-08:00

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to, Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his widow."

My dog

2010-02-12T05:21:00.000-08:00

I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare.

At first the lady said, dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.

So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has absolutely no clue who his daddy is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dog gets his first check Friday!!!!

Darn is this a great country or what!